


It's Ben, I'm sorry....

by Artanar0



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, Kylo Ren Backstory, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, POV Kylo Ren, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Redeemed Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-23 20:00:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13795212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artanar0/pseuds/Artanar0
Summary: Ben Solo had always known that his end would come, but he never thought he would put an end to his life. Locked in a cell on a First Order ship, he has no choice left. Either die free or being tortured by Hux during long hours. But before that, he has to write a letter for every person he really cares about...





	1. To Mom

**Author's Note:**

> Hey ! So it's my first fanfiction that I post here and I don't really know how this site works but that's alright I guess ! I hope you will like it !

Hey mom, it's me.. It's Ben. I'm sorry.

I should have been a better son, I should have listened to you but I was always angry mom, so confused and lost. And I would have needed you, just like dad, but you were always busy saving the galaxy or fighting with him. So I grew up alone, conversing with the dark voices in my head and wandering through the meanders of my mind. 

There was something wrong with me, and I think you felt it from the very beginning because after all you're my mother and you're supposed to feel that kind of things. I was different from the other kids, I was misunderstood and I used to believe it was a strength. I've always been so proud so arrogant, how could you expect anything else from a Solo or a Skywalker ? Maybe that's why people at the Jedi Academy hated me, maybe that's why I had no friends. But I will never be sure of that now I guess.

I wasn't your perfect son and I will never be. But I loved you, I still do. That love that only a only child (most of all a boy) can experience. You were my idol mom, my biggest wish was to please you, to make you proud. I failed, terribly, I became what you were fighting against, I became what I, was fighting against. There is not a day when I don't think about all the things I messed, of all the millions tasks I haven't accomplished.

Do you remember that time you took me on Naboo when I was 14 ? You just had a big fight with dad and you didn't know if you wanted to stay with him anymore. You were angry, and sad. And for once it wasn't my fault. You were crying, a lot, it hurt me so much because I couldn't do anything to help you. I tried to make you smile by cooking your favourite plate and I ended up nearly burning out the whole house. I was so scared that you would yell at me but when you discovered it you just laughed and I swear that it was the most beautiful sound in the whole galaxy.

We stood by the lake for hours that night, starring at the stars. You taught me about my ancestors, who they were, what they did. The Royal Family of Alderaan and the fall of the Solo's clan. The forbidden love of a Jedi and a queen. 

You told me about Darth Vader, about all the atrocities he had committed, you told me about love, about hate, about losing your loved ones and the foolish quest that you must accomplish to gain them back. But there's one thing you forgot mom, one small detail that could have changed everything. Vader, my own grandfather, died redeemed, they didn't forgive him of course, but he just before his last gasp he turned back to the light. I could have done that too. But it's too late now I suppose.  
I really wish I could turn back time, I wouldn't do all those terrible mistakes. Can you forgive me mother ? I guess not... I took away your whole family, my whole family. Dad, Luke,myself... 

You can't understand how much I regret Killing him. Every night I dream of what happened. And I scream, and I cry, but nothing can bring him back right ? I was torn apart, I wanted to go back, I wanted to believe him, to think that everything would be alright. But that was lies, uncertainties. All I could hear was Snoke's beautiful palaver that he was whispering in my head. Why did I trust him more than my own father ? I don't know. He terrified me, he could have murdered me, he could have destroyed everything that I once loved.

I hope that despite everything you still love me, because I still do.

Your son,

Ben.


	2. To Dad

Hey... So, I guess that's gonna be pretty awkward and embarrassing right ? But anyway you're not gonna read this right ? So that's really weird to say but I'm sorry I have killed you. Really. I know you never believed in being one with the Force after your death and all that stuff but I swear that sometimes it feels like you're watching me from beyond. I turn around to see you but you're not there. You've never really been there I suppose. Since I was born, every time you were homme the only thing you were waiting for was to go back into the Falcon and steal some stuff. 

You know why I hated that ship ? Because it was a synonim of you leaving. In my child's mind it was responsible for your departure. It was taking you away from me and all I could do was watching you and Chewie slowly disapearring in the dark sky of the night.

You were not often home, and the few times you were actually there it seemed like I was invisible. I wanted you to pay attention to me, to play with me, to take me piloting. But everytime you were apparently to busy reading the news or fighting with mum. 

When I did that small pod race tournament, you promised that you would come and see me. When I won, I looked for you from the top of the podium but you weren't here. I went home crying, sayng that I arrived last. It was a lie to cover my tears, how could I admit that I was hurt by you ?

You were many things dad but not a good father, you have to recognize that and I think you do. But I wasn't a good son neither. Like father like son I guessed right ?  
I wish I knew more about you, what you went through as a kid, how you met Chewbacca, how uncle Lando died... You never knew your parents but how do you think they were ?  
You were a hero for so many people but I wanted you to be just mine. That's selfish right ? But when you're young it doesn't sound that stupid. For an insecure, scared boy like I was it doesn't sound stupid. 

Maybe we will meet again in the after life if there's is one... Will you hug me like you used to do ? I'm not sure anymore. Not sure of anything. I was certain that I was fighting on the right side but now ? I killed my own master, to please her, to save her... And now the whole First Order is against me... 

I know you liked her, she is like you on so many points. You never gave me dating advices and I think I inherited your absence of talent on that point and maybe that's why she tried to kill me. Talking about love I'm sorry I've destroyed your relationship with mom, I know I tore you two apart. It destroyed her when you left... I have felt it. I nearly came home that day because I couldn't bear to see her in such a great pain due to me... 

See, I could rewrite my story using "if" and "nearly" but it's too late... Way too late... I could have been a great pilot like you or a senator like mom. Bringing peace to the galaxy or smuggling in the Outer Rim. 

I could have been a hero. Be celebrated throughout the whole galaxy for centuries. But my fate was to became Kylo Ren the Doomed, leader of a small handful of evil knights. Used to scare little kids when they don't want to go to bed.

I was supposed to be Darth Vader's heir but all I wanted to be was someone you could be proud of.

I'm sorry I didn't manage to be what you wanted me to be.  
I love you,  
Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey if you liked this or if you have any advice make sure to leave a comment please :)  
> And I'm french so I really apologise if there's any grammar mistakes... Have a good day !


	3. To Chewie

Dear Uncle Chewie, I hope you're okay.

I honestly can't believe I have a Wookie as an uncle and you probably can't believe you have an human as a nephew, but I think that you're the best uncle I could have wished for. You were always here for me, from the very beginning... You were always comforting me after one of my tantrums and you wanted to go and kill the bullies at the Jedi Academy. You were the only one who was able to make me laugh in that dark times...

I still have the little Falcon you sculped for me as a kid. It was silly but it was the symbol of home for me, that someone out there didn't want me dead. As I'm writing this letter, it's on the tiny desk of my jail. How did I end up here ? I guess I wasn't prudent enough. I should have fled that night, I would have joined you and Rey on the ship. Things would have been way happier, probably not as happy as in the past but still better than here. I have been trapped like a fool by Hux, that damn idiot. You imagine Chewie ? Being this closse to my goal and finally being thrown away in a stupid cell amongst scums from all around the galaxy. Oh how the mighty has fallen...

You used to tell me that I was going to have a great future, did you believe it, even at that time, even when I was beginning to fall for the dark side ? See, I won't have any future. My life will end in a few hours. I wish I lived longer, I wish I knew more things, I wish I knew what it feel like to be loved.

Take care of my mother please, she doesn't deserve eeethis much pain. At least now she's going to be free from me. Knowing that your son is trying to destroy what you care about must be hard... But you know, I didn't really want to murder all of you, my only desire was to bring peace to the galaxy for thousands of years and yes to do it I needed to slaughter a few villages.. I apologise for that. I sppose I'm paying the price now.

If you could know how much it hurts Chewie, how I spent my life feeling like I wasn't enough for anyone, that I was a disapointment for everyone. They expected so much from me and yet they treated me as a monster. Even my parents, my own progenitors thought that I was too dark, too evil, and they did Nothing, Nothing to avoid my fall, Nothing to make me feel better. They left me alone with my problems. But what could I do ? I was young, panicky... The only light in my life as that time was you. Without you, I'd have sunk way earlier. You brought a smile to my face when I craved to disappear far, far away from here. You were my happy place, my home, you were what was the closest to real family. And I will never thank you enough for that. But llok what I brought you in return, pain, loss, sadness. And probably anger right ? That's why you shot on the Starkiller, I deserved that, totally, I was even glad you did it. 

I will always remember (well for the few hours that I have left) the time we went on a trip just us two on the Falcon. That was probably the best week of my life. Just two weird persons on a ship, travelling through the galaxy. We went to see a pod-race on Tatooine, just where my grand-father had raced years ago. We walked in the desert for hours, making silly jokes. I was so tired that you had been forced to take me back in the Falcon in your arms. On our way home I cried so much because I didn't wanted this to be over, for the first time in my life everything felt peaceful, everything felt right... But then we were back in reality and one year later I was gone forever...

Thanks for being the best uncle I could have wished for,

I love you Chewie,

Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I hope you liked this chapter ! If you want Ben to write a letter to a specific character please comment which one ! Have a nice day


	4. To Poe

Hey Poe,

It's Kylo Ren, you know the guy who nearly killed you last time and who used to be one of your best friend. Well believe me or not I'm going to die pretty soon and I need you to do some things for me if you don't mind.

First, protecting Rey, marry her if you have too, it would make me quite angry but if it's the price for her to stay alive I will accept it. I'm sure you appreciate her, who doesn't ? Plus we're quite similar you and and me and we tend to fall for the same person, remember when we were kids and you stole my girlfriend at that time ? I do.  
Just be kind to her, I saw every single feeling that she ever experienced, not a lot of happiness or love if you want my opinion. Make that better for me please or at least for her. By the way, she's scared of loneliness so it'd be cool if you or Finn stayed by her side most of the time. She's the key for you to win okay ? Don't lose her, don't let her fall on the wrong side. 

Second, kill Hux. I know you will be super happy to do it. That little bastard has formed a mutinery in the First Order against me, isn't that so unfair ? I guess not but you know what I mean. Kick him in the guts for me buddy. 

He's working on a new Starkiller Base, but not on a planet so they can move it, it's somewhere in the Mustafar system, the Hutts are helping them, they have another force sensitive, you have to kill him and destroy the whole weapon, everything will be over, you will have peace, she, will have peace.  
Life is strange, yesterday you, Rey, the Resistance, you all were my worst ennemies, now I'm trying to help and save you. I'm just sick of this run for glory, strong, kind people never win. they die, nobody live long as a hero, they either become martyrs or fall to the Dark Side. Don't repeat the mistakes I commited. You worth better than that right ?  
You were always the kind one, the loved one. I jealoused you, a lot. My parents used to spend more time with you because you were an orphan. And me ? I wasn't, but still, they didn't really feel like my parents, just strangers that wcame back home twice a month, too exhausted to talk. but you man, we used to spend nights talking on our beds, pretending to fight with pillows. The maid droid was always mad at us, once we even paint obscene things on her forehead... This seemed so funny at the time. Just us against the adult world, we promised to each other that we would never be like. We were just kids who grew up too fast, too soon confronted to the reality of war and politics.  
I was better than you at piloting at that time, is it still the same now ? Probably not, the Flight Academy training is better than the Jedi one on that point. Now we will never see right ? 

I know that you have one of my dad old jacket, you gave it to Finn... It hurts a little but that's alright, I was forbidden to touch his jacket. I never understood why. he liked you, better than me, he didn't understand all that Force and Jedi stuff. I think I used to scare him a little. 

You were the son he wished he had and you were the brother I didn't deserve.

Take care of you buddy and take care of her please.  
Ben.


	5. To my Grandfather

Hey, it's your grandson... 

Are you proud of me grandpa ? Are you glad of what I have become ? I guess not, and you would be right. I'm not happy neither. 

See, I used to think that being like you, being better than you would please Snoke. I used to think that I was your rightful heir and that I'd accomplish what you had started. And now I'm here, a lost soul in love with a girl who hates him, just like you. So I suppose it's not a total failure ?

If you could go back, would you change anything ? Would you spare the lifes of all those innocent people ? And would I do it ?   
I don't know, I've never been good at anything except killing and whorshipping sith (especially you). Being evil has been a major part of my (short) life and I think I kind of enjoyed it. Is that awkward ? Yes, absolutely. But I am mad, I am a monster, I am a weirdo, everyone tells me so since I was born and I think now I accept it. I can't change who I am, I can't change what people think of me, this is me, this is who I was supposed to be, a king without a kingdom, a ghost wandering amongst the living ones... And yeah, I might be hated for centuries, but I can't erase my mistakes, I can't give their lifes back to those innocents.

Life is a beautiful irony. They make you believe that everyone loves you for who you are, that you don't have to pretend to be someone else to be appreciated. Bullshit. Your friends are the ones who stab you the deepest. Your ennemies become the ones you love.

Have you find peace up there ? Have you been redeemed ? I have to admit that he scares me, death. It will be the end of everything I know. An unknown world and maybe even a non-existing world. I'm terrified, but I have no choice. Even if there's Something, how are they gonna receive me ? My father probably hates me, Luke too. I'm no one,nothing.  
Maybe that's better that way... I will stay young forever, I will stay that frightened little boy force to leave his parents, I will stay with my regrets and my remorse. My life will end in this cell, on this evil ship belonging to my worst ennemies and best allies. 

Your Grandson who loves and admires you,  
Ben..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that chapter is really bad and really short...


End file.
